A owner/operator's manual for women

[Discusgeo]

We always read about Women's needs:

We always hear "the rules" from the female side. Now here are the
rules from the male side. These are our rules!

Please note ...these are all numbered "1" ON PURPOSE!

1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down.
We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us *****ing about you leaving it down.

1. Birthdays, Valentines, and Anniversaries are not quests to see if we
can find the perfect present yet again!

1. Sometimes we are not thinking about you. Live with it.

1. Sunday = sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides.
Let it be.

1. Don't cut your hair. Ever. Long hair is always more attractive than
short hair. One of the big reasons guys fear getting married is that married women always cut their hair, and by then you're stuck with her.

1. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way.

1. Crying is blackmail.

1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!

1. We don't remember dates. Mark birthdays and anniversaries on a
calendar. Remind us frequently beforehand.

1. Most guys own three pairs of shoes - tops. What makes you think we'd
be any good at choosing which pair, out of thirty, would look good with your dress?

1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's
what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

1. A headache that last for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.

1. Check your oil! Please.

1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact,
all comments become null and void after 7 days.

1. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to
act like soap opera guys.

1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.
We refuse to answer.

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.

1. Let us ogle. We are going to look anyway; it's genetic.

1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done.
Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

1. Christopher Columbus did not need directions, and neither do we.

1. The relationship is never going to be like it was the first two months
we were going out. Get over it. And quit whining to your girlfriends.


1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach,
for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.

1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.

1. We are not mind readers and we never will be.
Our lack of mind-reading ability is not proof of how little we care about you.

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine.
Really.


1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to
discuss such topics as navel lint, the shotgun formation, or monster trucks.

1. You have enough clothes.

1. You have too many shoes.

1. Foreign films are best left to foreigners. (Unless it's Bruce Lee or some war flick where it doesn't really matter what the hell they're saying anyway.)

1. It is neither in your best interest or ours to take the quiz together.
No, it doesn't matter which quiz.

1. BEER is as exciting for us as handbags are for you.

1. Thank you for reading this; Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight, but did you know we really don't mind that, it's like camping.

1. I'm in shape. ROUND is a shape.

But you forgot one thing...... :P
All women (yes all!) have a way to break every #1 of your rules, and get away with it. ;D ;D ;D
Otherwize we have what it takes to make you buckle.... What's the old saying, Discusego?
"You can't live with them, better yet you can't live without them"....

Women and lovin it!.... 8)

Julz

lmao

(BTW good one. :thumbsup: I'll have to dig up the female version of "The Rules")

[Carol_Roberts]

I think Julz just had a Fruedian slip . . . she referred to George as Discusego.

I've never thought of you that way George, however I can think of a few other guys that moniker would fit, lol . . . .

Carol :heart1:

lol Carol... :D :D
That one slipped through the proof reading step. Musta been the case where the "e" finger was quicker than the "g" finger. lol :)

Sorry George.... :P

[Richman]

So I guess it is true, George.

They really do "own and operate" us. hmmmmmmm

[Ivan]

Not when they've gone out on their own. We can play when the cat is away!haha

[nalah]

i know men find things easier to understand if there's pictures ....
so here goes ;D

[nalah]

another one.......

[nalah]

ah yes! a picture tells a thousand words.... ;D

[Carol_Roberts]

;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D
Carol :heart1:

LMAO... !!!! ;D ;D

[Discusgeo]

You women are brutal on us guy's, take it easy ladies.
George

[nalah]

brutal ??? i thought you boys liked it a bit rough...LOL ;)
;D :o :D :-* :bounce2:

[DarkDiscus]

I'd have to say that as funny as that list is, there are only a few of them I'd like to present to my wife...

Of course I am going to print the whole list and give it to her as a joke... Let's see if she thinks it's funny!

;D

John

[joanr]

I can live with most of it, except for #1! Have any of you guys sat down on the toilet in the middle of the night 8 months preggie, in the dark, and the seat was up?

Joan

Too funny Joan.. :) They're all #1. ;)
But I'll have to agree with you on the 1st #1. Definitely wakes you up huh? :o :o :o :o

[mench]

Ladies,thats what that little thing on the wall is for...ya know the litlle thing that goes up and down..the one that turns on and off...the light switch.....

Mench

;D ;D :P :P

[DarkDiscus]

Tony,

;D

John

[nalah]

and do you know why there's only one switch for the men...??

its a well known fact that women can multi-task. You poor darlings can barely do one thing at a time.We really dont want to confuse you more than you already are..
:bounce2: :bounce: :bounce2:
ROFLMAO
;D

[DarkDiscus]

Pascale,

I'd comment, but apparently men only accept input on beer/sports/carnal desires - random criticism does not compute...

I'll take a beer now!

John

[Ivan]

The thing is we have to let you women have all those buttons so you feel in control. It's all part of the master plan, that women just cant comprehend. i'll stop now before I do start to become politcally incorrect haha.
:-X :-X

Ooooooo a battle of the sexes, and I am missing it.

Julz rubs her hands together

Sorry Pascale :( you had to defend us on your own for a bit. Where is Pril? We need her here as well... :P

Mench... Do you actually turn the bathroom light on in the middle of the night? If I remember correctly guys sit too when they are doga$$ tired..... ;D ;D ;D

Tony..... Nice Gadget you got there. I would tend to agree with Pascale on that one. Only bad thing it reminds me too much of the old fashioned Operaters Panel. We really aren't that complicating to figure out..... ;D ;D ;D

John.... I think yours needs a little help. You have them in the wrong order.... We all know which MUST come first ....... ;D ;D ;D

Ivan.... We don't need to feel in control... We ARE in control. Check out John's chronological order of importance (when he figures it out). A little hint.... ;) Carnal :gorgeous: ... ;D ;D ;D

Ok.... I'm off my box now......

Pril, you care to take a poke at these gentlemen?

Julz :) :) :)

[Ivan]

Well that just proves our plan is working doesn't it gentlemen. :jester:

:P :P :P :P :P :P :P :P :P :P

[DarkDiscus]

I'm still off drinking beer... ... ...

8)

John

Still? You lush John..... ;) Heck that was 2 days ago.... I'm not even that bad....

Will be tonight tho.... 8)

[DarkDiscus]

Julz,

I went out to sushi and drank beer 2 nights ago. Last night I walked to a local restaurant in a snowstorm and drank beer. Tonight we are staying in and... drinking beer. (Or wine - depends on the mood...)

I plan on drinking Saturday too. Sunday I am taking a break....

:P

John

I do believe you just described our life to the tee. :thumbsup:
Just the surroundings are different. Oh and the names have changed to protect the innocent.. :P

[nalah]

maybe i should have explained the relevance of these "buttons.
Women have many - why?.. because there are many ways to please us... emotionaly,physically,romantically..etc.

Men - well actually,there really should be 2 buttons. Men are simple creatures,girls!!! satisfy these 2 body organs and they're happy. ;D

Pascale...

They have two? OMG I never realized.... ;)

psst.... why aren't they fighting back? Not much of a challenge, huh? Where's Gipper, or Sly, heck even Brew... :P lmao


:) :) :) :)

[Denny]

ok,

so you say men are easy to please and women are harder to please and because of this women are better? ???
denny

Got a point there Denny, sir.... ::)

Hey don't you have a water change to do? :P

:) :) :) :)

[Denny]

julz,

i am doing one right now--HOLY S_ _T we can multitask too!


denny

[April]

Tony....nice buttons! all i can say is...it takes that many buttons to push until a woman has had enough...and her and her pushed buttons dismisses the machine with one lousy button!!

OH YEAH!!

[nalah]

julz,

i am doing one right now--HOLY S_ _T we can multitask too!


denny


DJ - you just prooved my point. men cannot multi-task.....
they try ;D
Where does it say men are easier to please and women are more difficult... and where does it say women are better.
oh,hang on...i get it now... you are just sub-consciously admittingthe facts- while you consciously do your water change. LOL

this is fun!!!!!!
:bounce2: :bounce: :bounce2: :bounce:
keep 'em commin' boys :whip:

Well I have a feeling the rest of 'em pooped out on us Pascale. I did summon a surprize guest with a special invite tho. Maybe he will join in on the fun? 8)

[Denny]

what is a mulit-task? i have never mulit -tasked i will admit ;D

denny

Since were busy makin fun of the opposite sex.....I thought I'd post a picture of my ex-wife...... this has to fit in this thread somehow ;D

[nalah]

Tony,
why did u leave her.... she looks mighty good in a G-string
ROFLMAO. :funny:

[April]

LOL Tony. I forgot about your x-wives pic. how many times did she pierce your heart with that horn? LOL.

She WAS a horney one pril....a little TO horney for my liking ;)

Pascale....I had to...she had a bad habit of servicing all the other bulls in the heard....and I do mean ALL! LMAO!! ;D ;D

Tony

[April]

Tony...then that is the most appropriate animal for your wife to be portrayed as for sure!! LOL yes ...i agree i heard the story!! LOL.

[DarkDiscus]

LOL!

;D

John

[brewmaster15]

Julz and Pascale.....

Alls I have to say is this... Theres a story that goes back thousands of years about a lady called Pandora..... you may have heard of her.... shes the one that lets all those nasty problems out on the world from that little box that she knew to leave closed but Just had to peak into anyhow ;) ;D well after thousands of years you gals haven't learned anything....

....just openned pandora's box again! ;) ;D ;D ;D ;D

-al

[jim_shedden]

I am so confused. But that probably doesn't surprise you ladies at all ....does it?
I have a sixteen year old daughter (Jessie) that lives with me. She's a great kid. She loves discus and even cleans tanks. She visits Simply a couple of times a day to "read stuff" as she says. The other day she starts telling me about "an owners manual" section and I didn't have a clue what she was talking about. I must admit that I don't get a chance to read everything on Simply. Well I found it. I would really like to thank April and Pascale for their notes and I would really, really, really like to thank Julz for her words of wisdom. Jessie tells me "did you see what Julz wrote" or "did you see what she said" or "JULZ IS A REALLY COOL CHICK AND I SHOULD LISTEN TO HER ADVICE"............. :puke:. Now I have to send Jessie back to live with her mother.... ;D. She use to be a real nice quiet young lady. Now she talks too much. Is there a button for volume control?
Well, I am really pissed now. THE TOILET SEAT COMES OFF TONIGHT... !!!!!!!!!!!!.........:bounce:
And if Jessie reads this :GO TO YOUR ROOM !!!!!!!!!!!!!

Jim

[nalah]

Jessie,
if dad does pull the seat off,never fear honey...he will suffer also.He too has to sit on it......
brrrrrrr!cold,isn't it Jim.LOL
:funny: :funny: :funny:

Ah yes,Pandora's Box - but do u know why she opened it?? she opened it in court as evidence against her husband. She won the case and the judge allowed her to kick her husband out.
since then,women around the world rejoice,knowing that if we have a man with his own pandoros box,we don't have to be stuck with him for the rest of our lives....
;) :thumbsup:

[jim_shedden]

I am so embarased.
This is my dad and me. He really isn't that bad....... :whip:These thingys are neat.

[jim_shedden]

Can I get an address? I clean more tanks than he does.

Jes

[nalah]

anyone thats this cute canot be all bad Jess.....LOL.
and btw,I'm in sydney,but anytime you want to travel,let me know....you're welcome to stay with us and we'll show you the sites.

[brewmaster15]

This could get real bad here, but since Julz gave me an invite.....

You know I have been thinking about this multi-tasking issue you ladies brought up. I thought you were wrong, but after thinking about it, I agree that women are good at multi tasking, I 've known many women that can simultaneously chat on the phone, spend hours preparing to go out, be late to get out the door, and completely forget where they were going, stop at a girl friends house to talk about another mutual girlfriend, and critque every outfit other women are wearing as they socialize between stall walls in a public rest rooms.......


Yep thats Multi-tasking! :)

and whats up with that bath room socializing women do anyways?Why does it always take 2 or more of you to find the bathroom anyhow?

-al

[April]

Hi Jess. and welcome. i wish my daughter who is 18 almost would clean tanks and read simply! although she has made a few discus webpages...
of course you can have your own address. sign on as a member. and when you login ....login with your name and not dear old dads. 8)
make sure you tell us when you register who you are so we can say hi. ;D

[April]

Brew...we gotta go togeather as years ago they made us woman pay 10 cents to use a stall. so..when ones done..they can holdthe door open for the next lady so as to save the 10 cents....and then we can split it and only pay 5 cents each. :P ::)
talk about discrimination!!

[brewmaster15]

April,


they made us woman pay 10 cents to use a stall. so..when ones done..they can holdthe door open for the next lady so as to save the 10 cents....and then we can split it and only pay 5 cents each

..... Time is money, if they weren't so busy talking, and primpping and just did their business in silence, I'm sure they wouldn't have been charged a "sitting" fee ;D

-al

[April]

LOL Brew.
ok..got a point.
BUT.....
dont you guys play games though....while using the urinals? i heard their coming out with a little ball or something that you place in there for you guys to shoot and score...keep you entertained while standing.. ..to be released next spring. ahhh.....boys will be boys...never really grow up....just new ways to play.
ok this is for real. a urinal game. their gonna sell. heard it on the radio!!

[brewmaster15]

uh... April ??? ???,
I think the makers of that game need to fire their marketing research team... Public urinals... well they really aren't the kind of place most guys would like to hang around. Its more like stand, hold your breath, and get the hell out of there! ;D

-al

[April]

LOL then they can go bankrupt. serves them right.

OMG.... :o :o :o :o :o

Internet down for a day (and some) and I have come back just to discover the MONSTER has unleashed. :whip:

Jessie.... I totally agree with Pril, you need your own Simply identity and is so nice to meet you, I promise (from now on) to be on my best behavior. :P Julz heads to the corner, psst btw.... keep an eye on your dad.... If you know what I mean. ;)

Brew.... Pandora?.... You honestly think that is gunna fly?. So outdated hun! Seems to me Areosmith wrote of the same women. Didn't fly then either. ;) oh and if I remember correctly we also travel in packs to the womens restroom to help one another nix off the bar flies lurking for their next victim. The men are indeed persistant..... :-\

Jim... my dear, leave Jesse be! She definelty needs more from life that just changing your water. Oh and BTW Pascale is right... You best leave that toilet seat attached. I do know first hand it IS cold. You are in for a definite shock! :shocked:

Good to be back..... :thumbsup:

Julz :)

BEING A GUY IS THE BEST CAUSE...... ;D Hee-heeee


Your arse is never a factor in a job interview.

Your orgasms are real. Always.

The garage is all yours.

Wedding plans take care of themselves.

You don't have to curl up next to a hairy *** every night.

Chocolate is just another snack.

You never feel compelled to stop a friend from getting shagged.

Car mechanics tell you the truth.


Wedding Dress $2000; Tux rental $100. 'Nuff said...

You don't give a SH*T if someone doesn't notice your new haircut.

Hot wax never comes near your pubes.

Wrinkles add character.

A few well placed one night stands gain credibility, not leave you tarnished.

You don't have to leave the room to make emergency crotch adjustments.

People never glance at your chest when you're talking to them.

The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.

New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.

Porn films are designed with you in mind.

Your pals can be trusted never to trap you with "So, notice anything different?"

You can appreciate great sport.

You can throw a ball more than 5 feet.

One mood, ALL the time.

A five-day holiday requires only one suitcase.

You can open all your own jars.

Dry cleaners and hairdressers don't rob you blind.

You can go to a public toilet without a support group.

You can leave a hotel bed unmade.

You can kill your own food.

You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.

If someone forgets to invite you to something, he or she can still be your friend.

Everything on your face stays its original colour.

Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.

You don't have to clean your house if the electricity meter reader is coming.

You can sit in silence watching a football game with your buddy for hours without ever thinking "He must be mad at me."

You don't mooch off other's desserts.

You can drop by to see a friend without having to bring a little gift.

If another guy shows up at the party in the same outfit, you just might become lifelong friends.

You are not expected to know the names of more than five colours.

You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.

You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.

The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.

You don't have to shave below your neck.

One wallet and one pair of shoes, one colour, all seasons.

You can "do" your nails with a pocket-knife.

You have freedom of choice concerning growing a moustache.

Christmas shopping can be accomplished for 25 relatives, on December 24th, in 45 minutes.

Same job .... . more pay.

The world is your urinal


LMAO!! :P

[brewmaster15]

ROTFLMAO!!!!!!

Julz, you have just been royally lamb basted here!


Tony- Whats that saying?"Its good to be the KING! :)"


-al

[April]

Tony!! your on a roll!!
did you steal that or have you been working on that for a few days???
ok.....fine....julz...think brew is right. you opened pandoras box!!!!.

mmmmm..... Nice one Tony. LMAOROTFPIMP....

Julz is brewing.. Psst... Pril, Pandora is OLD, heck older than us even! :)

The Rules
The female always makes the rules.
The rules are subject to change at any time without prior notification.
No male can possibly know all the rules.
If the female suspects the male knows all the rules, she must immediately change some or all of the rules.
The female is never wrong.
If the female is wrong, it is because of a flagrant misunderstanding which was a direct result of something the male did or said wrong.
The female can change her mind at any given point in time.
The male must never change his mind without express written consent from the female.
The female has every right to be angry or upset at any time.
The male must remain calm at all times, unless the female wants him to be angry or upset.
The female must under NO circumstances let the male know whether or not she wants him to be angry or upset.
Any attempt to document these rules could result in bodily harm.
If the female has PMS or is pregnant all rules are null and void.

[jim_shedden]

JULZ RULES................... :boun


JESSIE

[DarkDiscus]

Some rules!

Sounds like a lack of rules. Or more precisely - the rule regarding women is to expect chaos...

Yikes!

John

[nalah]

sorry,but i can't resist .....

Q:What is the definition of "man"??
A: A life support for the penis

;)

If it makes you feel any better boys,we girls do need you around..................... especially when our batteries run out...
LMAO..
;D ;D ;D ;D ;D

Pascale.....

We need to be careful. :-X Believe me I would love to add to the "adult" aspect of this thread... ;) But I do not want Jim to ban Jessie from the ladies side. Now.... to the corner with you.... Young Lady....... ;D ;D

Jesse.... Create your own username. Call it "Jessie". lol pretty original, hey? :-\ ;)

Women Rule, Men drool... :P Is that how they say it?

Julz :)

[JESSIE]

Hi Julz....I'm here but I have to go play a vollyball game.

Jes

[nalah]

Jessie.. :thumbsup:
:funny: :funny: :funny: :funny: :funny: :funny: :funny:

[jim_shedden]

HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHO TO MARRY?

You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you like sports,
she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and
dip coming. --Alan, age 10

No person really decides before they Grow up who they're going to marry. God
decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you're stuck
with. --Kirsten, age 10
__________________________________________________ ______________
WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED?

Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then.
--Camille, age 10

No age is good to get married at. You Got to be a fool to get married.
--Freddie, age 6
__________________________________________________ ______________
HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED?

You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the
same kids. --Derrick, age 8
__________________________________________________ ______________
WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON?

Both don't want any more kids. --Lori, age 8
__________________________________________________ ______________
WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?

Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each
other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough.
--Lynnette, age 8

On the first date, they just tell each other lies, and that usually gets
them interested enough to go for a second date. --Martin, age 10
__________________________________________________ ______________
WHAT WOULD YOU DO ON A FIRST DATE THAT WAS TURNING SOUR?

I'd run home and play dead. The next day I would call all the newspapers and
make sure they wrote about me in all the dead columns. --Craig, age 9
__________________________________________________ ______________
WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?

When they're rich. --Pam, age 7

The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't want to mess with that.
--Curt, age 7

The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should marry them and
have kids with them. It's the right thing to do. --Howard, age 8
__________________________________________________ ______________
IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?

I don't know which is better, but I'll tell you one thing. I'm never going
to have sex with my wife. I don't want to be all grossed out. --Theodore,
age 8

It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone to
clean up after them. --Anita, age 9
__________________________________________________ ______________
HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN'T GET MARRIED?

There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn't there? --Kelvin, age
8
__________________________________________________ ______________
HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK?

Tell your wife that she looks pretty, even if she looks like a truck.
--Ricky, age 10

This isn't mine but it was too good to leave alone.
Jim

OK... I stand corrected, Pascale...... ;)

Welcome JESSIE!.... You really suprized me with that Bike pic.... Good one. :thumbsup:

Sorry, but I deleted my previous post as it was meant to go to Pascale privately..... :-X (Julz has been exposed, as a naughty girl.)

Now where did I put that cucumber list....? ??? ;D ;D

Julz :)

LMAO!! That IS good Jim!!
Strange how kids can sometimes have a better handle on life than alot of the "adults" I know.

That Freddie is one smart 6 year old.... ;D

Tony
Julz......naughty girl??....... :-X ;)

Well...

I think Theodore age 8, will be changing his mind by age... er uh.... 10....?

The things that make ya go hmmmmm.

Julz... ....The milk of Human Goodness *snicker *snicker :P :P :P

The milk of human goodness??.......I thought that was beer ;D

Tony

:-X :-X :-X :-X :-X

OK then...

"The "Brew" of Human Goodness" ;) ;)

Heck I like that better yet.....

Julz :)

[jim_shedden]

Kids are funny................this really happened last week.
Jessie (my daughter) was sitting on the soffa with her boyfriend (I like the kid, very polite, clean cut) when my oldest son (Jim jr. - 21) comes in and see's the two of them sitting beside each other in the living room. Jim is 6' 4" (we call him the "gorilla"). Jim goes right up to her boyfreind and say's " WHO THE HELL ON YOU?" The kid stands up and looks up at him (scared shitless) and says "Tim........ sir". Jimmy looks at him and say's "DON'T MESS WITH MY SISTER" and then walks out into the kitchen. I was laughing sooooo hard. I told him to leave the kid alone , he's not that bad and he just smiled. I was cracking up all weekend. Jessie's mother called (Jan) and asked what happened because Jessie was all upset and squeeled to mom. I just told her things were under control. You know , getting by the old man will be easy, but getting by the 2 brothers ..........look out.

Jim

Too Funny Jim....

Sounds a bit like my house.... But my 17 yr old son (Dayne also 6'4" (?)) Would love to get in the boyfriends face. Unfortunately his Sister (Terah age 15) is quite the bold one (nothin like me... teeheehee) and would just soon stand on a stool and get right back into his face. The boyfriend tends to worry more about her than the older brother..... :thumbsup:

Julz :)

[jim_shedden]

This is my daughter : Jessie at the Toronto Zoo. Lets see.............gee I forgot which one she is.......... :blushing:

OK Jessie.... I would hit him for that one. Nice pic tho.

Just for that Jim (on Jessie's defense), A return rocket launch towards the men..... :P :P :P

Men are like.....Laxatives. They irritate the chit out of you.

Men are like.....Bananas. The older they get, the less firm they are.

Men are like.....Vacations. They never seem to be long enough.

Men are like.....Bank Machines. Once they withdraw they lose interest.

Men are like.....Weather. Nothing can be done to change them.

Men are like.....Blenders. You need one, but you're not quite sure why.

Men are like.....Cement. After getting laid, they take a long time to get hard.

Men are like.....Chocolate Bars. Sweet, smooth, and they usually head right to your hips.

Men are like.....Coffee. The best ones are rich, warm, and can keep you up all night long.

Men are like.....Department Stores. Their clothes are always half off.

Men are like.....Government bonds. They take so long to mature.

Men are like.....Horoscopes. They always tell you what to do and are usually wrong.

Men are like.....Mascara. They usually run at the first sign of emotion.

Men are like.....Popcorn. They satisfy you, but only for a little while.

Men are like.....Snowstorms. You never know when they're coming, how many inches you'll get or how long it will last.

Men are like.....Lava Lamps. Fun to look at, but not very bright.

Men are like.....Parking Spots. All the good ones are taken and the rest are handicapped.

Anybody keeping score?

Julz :) :)

One more for good measure...... ;)

MEN ARE LIKE TOILETS-EITHER OCCUPIED OR FULL OF CHIT.

MENopause
MENtal anxiety
MENstrual cramps
MENtal breakdown...
Ever notice how all our problems begin with MEN?

MEN HAVE THE POWER TO DESTROY THE EARTH, BUT WOMEN HAVE THE WISDOM TO SAVE IT!

IF WOMEN HAVE 2 X CHROMOSOMES AND MEN ONLY HAVE ONE, THEN THAT MEANS WOMEN ARE 100% WOMEN AND MEN ARE 50% WOMEN.

Happy hunting guys....

Julz :)

[SLY]

ya and we have to bear with them having a beer belly too. ;D ;D ;D

[jim_shedden]

Julz : I am truly hurt & offended...............
just wait I will think of a comeback......I'm thinking..................
.................................................. .................................
.................................................. .........................
.................................................. ................

I'll get back to you............

Sorry Jim.... :-\ all those dots of thinking made this page way to wide. I edited it for you. Hope you don't mind....


Well look what the cat drug in. Great to see you Sly.... The beer belly is as big as ever (not!)... Got anything new for us? ;) heehee. We are in for a treat girls....

Julz :)

And one for the women...... :P

Here is a visual perception challenge for you.

See how quickly you can find the dogs in the following picture.

Typical comments by people taking the test:

1. "I couldn't see a dog and I stared at the picture for a good 10 minutes."

2. "I think it is one of those pictures where you have to stare at a certain spot and then everything comes into focus, but it never happened to me. I'll give it another try later."

3. "I almost didn't find the dogs at all!"

4. "There's a dog in this picture? Where?"

5. "This must be a joke; there are no dogs in this picture."

6. "The hell with the dogs, I need CPR."

Men seem to do better at this than women for some reason.

The following are average times for men and women:

Women - 12.46 minutes
Men - 1.23 seconds

Hint: The dogs appear to be white with black spots.

Good luck and happy hunting.

Julz :)

[jim_shedden]

I found the dogs..................but why do they have helmets?.............. ;D

JIm

[DarkDiscus]

Julz,

I am definitely not getting involved with this!

LOL!

John

[jim]

I'm currently running the latest version of GirlFriend and I've been having some problems lately. I've been running the same version of DrinkingBuddies 1.0 forever as my primary application, and all the GirlFriend releases I've tried have always conflicted with it.

I hear that DrinkingBuddies won't crash if GirlFriend is run in background mode and the sound is turned off. But I'm embarrassed to say I can't find the switch to turn the sound off. I just run them separately, and it works okay.

Girlfriend also seems to have a problem co-existing with my Golf program, often trying to abort Golf with some sort of timing incompatibility.

I probably should have stayed with GirlFriend 1.0, but I thought I might see better performance from GirlFriend 2.0. After months of conflicts and other problems, I consulted a friend who has had experience with GirlFriend 2.0. He said I probably didn't have enough cache to run GirlFriend 2.0, and eventually it would require a Token Ring to run properly. He was right - as soon as I purged my cache, it uninstalled itself.

Shortly after that, I installed GirlFriend 3.0 beta. All the bugs were supposed to be gone, but the first time I used it, it gave me a virus anyway. I had to clean out my whole system and shut down for a while.

I very cautiously upgraded to GirlFriend 4.0. This time I used a SCSI probe first and also installed a virus protection program. It worked okay for a while until I discovered that GirlFriend 1.0 was still in my system.

I tried running GirlFriend 1.0 again with GirlFriend 4.0 still installed, but GirlFriend 4.0 has a feature I didn't know about that automatically senses the presence of any other version of GirlFriend and communicates with it in some way, which results in the immediate removal of both versions.

The version I have now works pretty well, but there are still some problems. Like all versions of GirlFriend, it is written in some obscure language I can't understand, much less reprogram. Frankly I think there is too much attention paid to the look and feel rather than functionality. Also, to get the best connections with your hardware, you usually have to use gold-plated contacts. And I've never liked how GirlFriend is totally "object-oriented."

A year ago, a friend of mine upgraded his version of GirlFriend to GirlFriendPlus 1.0, which is a Terminate and Stay Resident version of GirlFriend. He discovered that GirlFriendPlus 1.0 expires within a year if you don't upgrade to Fiancee 1.0. So he did, but soon after that, he had to upgrade to Wife 1.0, which he describes as a huge resource hog. It has taken up all his space, so he can't load anything else.

One of the primary reasons he decided to go with Wife 1.0 was because it came bundled with FreeSexPlus.

Well, it turns out the resource allocation module of Wife 1.0 sometimes prohibits access to FreeSexPlus, particularly the new Plug-Ins he wanted to try. On top of that, Wife 1.0 must be running on a well warmed-up system before he can do anything. Although he did not ask for it, Wife 1.0 came with MotherInLaw which has an automatic pop-up feature he can't turn off.

I told him to try installing Mistress 1.0, but he said he heard if you try to run it without first uninstalling Wife 1.0, Wife 1.0 will delete MSMoney files before doing the uninstall itself. Then Mistress1.0 won't install anyway because of insufficient resources.

OK time for another.

Totally amazing what a person can find while cleaning out old files.....

The Difference between men and women.... :o

The women..................

The Man...

[DarkDiscus]

Julz,

Of course you never gave me any good ideas for my Christmas Extravaganza thread! (See below here in Look Who's Talking!) I was counting on you!

John

Sorry John, :'(

Just got so carried away in here, that everything is passin by me...

Goin.... :thumbsup:

Julz :)


P.S. Good one NEO... Chalk another up for the men folk..... ;)

[JESSIE]

;D

[nalah]

how cute - how could you turn down a face like that...
but i think i'll take the cat...
meeeowwww!!!!

[nalah]

Julz..... LOL.
"what's a nalah?"

to answer you - this is a nalah

my guard dog... attacks anyone that comes too close to me- no need for me to tell my husband i have a headache. he stays well clear of me when Nalah is near.LOL

as for female support... brb on that one.

Jesse...

Me too I like the kittie.... LMAO.. :D :D The add was great!.

Pascale...

Love your Nalah. What kind is he/she? I used to have a Sun Conure, a bit to vocal for me tho. Do miss him at times, but not many.

Nalah is beautiful....! :o

Julz :)

[April]

Pascale . nice birdie. ;D

[nalah]

yer,he's really nice. a red-collared lorrikeet. ...with an attitude.

which brings me back to the topic at hand. There is only one male my life that i trust - he's loyal,trustworthy,obeys,doesn't touch the toilet seat,doesn't complain if dinner is late. he likes to PLAY soccer,not sit in front of the idiot box just to watch it.He's always happy to see me. He understands that i have other responsibilities and doesn't mind sharing "quality time" with other household members......
yep,my german sheperd. :angel:

which got me thinking...... he's de-sexed...

ladies,there's hope for us yet!!!!!!
:thumbsup:

Pascale,

You should post a pic of Nalah and your Shepard in the thread Jim started in photo.

http://forum.simplydiscus.com//index.php?board=11;action=display;threadid=5295

I just love shepards, have two.... Will take new pics of them soon and post as well.

Julz :)

[limige]

you know....

i married miss right. i just didn't know her first name was always.

it's not true that married men live longer than single men, it only seems longer.

losing a wife can be hard... in my case, it was almost impossible!

a man complaining to a friend:"i had it all-money, a beautiful house, a fast car, the love of a beautiful woman; then POW! it was all gone!" What happened?" asked the friend. "my wife found out.."

Wife: let's go out and have some fun tonight.
Husband: Okay, bu if you get home before i do, leave the hallway light on...

How many men does it tanke to open a beer? None. it should be opened by the time she brings it to the couch!!!


A man rushes into his house and yells to his wife,"Honey, pack up your things! I just won the California lottery!" She replies, " Shall i pack for warm weather or cold?" The man responds" I don't care just get the he** out!"

I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months- I don't like to intterupt her.

if your wife and a lawyer were drowning and you had to choose, would you go to lunch or to a movie?

A man is incomplete until he is married... After that, he is finished!

[limige]

the thing i've found about women through the years is....
not only don't we know what they want...
THEY don't know what they want!!

Another for the men....

Good one Lim..... :thumbsup:

Julz :)

[nalah]

HEY jULZ! WHOS SIDE ARE YOU ON .
We DO know what we want ..and we DO tell you men. you just dont listen.

Pascale there is a method to my madness... :P

an 'ata-boy goes a long way... 8)

Julz :)

[nalah]

LOL. you sneaky girl..... :funny:

:wasntme: :wasntme: :wasntme: who me? naaaa....

[jim_shedden]

OK JULZ : I HAVE BEEN AWAY AND I HAVE TO MAKE UP SOME TIME

YOU KNOW YOU ARE A WOMEN IF :

You are a *****.

When asked 'Is something bothering you?' reply 'no' then get pissed off when you are believed.

Become attracted to someone because he is outgoing and loves parties, start dating him, and immediately expect him to stop this behavior..

Always take an hour longer than promised to prepare for the evening.

Always hide very important events in very unimportant terms so you can have something to be pissed about when your boyfriend declines because he has pressing business, i.e. You say 'It's no big deal, but I was wondering if you would like to visit my parents with me if you are not busy this weekend.' when you mean 'It means a great deal to me for you to see my family with me this weekend whether or not it is possible!'

Whine

If you are trying to sleep, it's because you're exhausted from your almost superhuman level of daily achievement; if he is trying to sleep it's because he is lazy.

No matter what the activity, he doesn't do it as well as a past boyfriend.

If he pays attention to you, he is smothering you.

If he gives you space, he is ignoring you.

Complain

Hate any bar he likes

Demand to be treated as an equal in everything - except when paying for meals, airplane tickets, concerts, beers, clothes, etc. - these are required gifts proving his love.

Declare PMS at any given time. If he is knowledgeable about your cycle, tell him you're irregular from all the stress of your life.

Remember that ANY woman who so much as stares at your boyfriend must be labeled a ***** and your network of friends must be informed immediately to spread this as quick as possible.

Make his life miserable by making him feel guilty about doing anything other than catering to your needs.

Break into tears for no apparent reason.

Ask for help in some endeavor then become livid when it is given.

Insinuate yourself into your boyfriend's group of friends, break up with him, then make sure you are present at every gathering for the next month just to rub it in.

[jim_shedden]

BICYCLES ARE BETTER THAN WOMEN BECAUSE :

Bicycles don't get pregnant.

You can ride your Bicycle any time of the month.

Bicycles don't have parents.

Bicycles don't whine unless something is really wrong.

You can share your Bicycle with your friends.

Bicycles don't care how many other Bicycles you've ridden.

When riding, you and your Bicycle can arrive at the same time.

Bicycles don't care how many other Bicycles you have.

Bicycles don't care if you look at other Bicycles.

Bicycles don't care if you buy Bicycle magazines.

You'll never hear, "Surprise, you are going to own a new Bicycle" unless you go out to buy one yourself.

If your Bicycle goes flat you can fix it.

If your Bicycle is too loose you can tighten it.

If your Bicycle is misaligned, you don't have to discuss politics with it.

You don't have to be jealous of the guy who works on your Bicycle.

If you say bad things to your Bicycle, you don't have to apologize before you ride it again.

You can ride your Bicycle as long as you want and it won't get sore.

You can stop riding your Bicycle as soon as you want and it won't get frustrated.

Your parents won't remain in touch with your old bicycle after you dump it.

Bicycles don't get headaches.

Bicycles don't insult you if you're a bad rider.

Your Bicycle never wants a night out with the other Bicycles.

Bicycles don't care if you're late.

You don't have to take a shower before you ride your bicycle.

If your Bicycle doesn't look good you can paint it or get better parts.

You can ride your Bicycle the first time you meet it, without having to take it to dinner, see a movie, or meet its mother.

The only protection you have to wear when riding your Bicycle is a decent helmet.

When in mixed company, you can talk about what a great ride you had the last time you were on your Bicycle.

WOW, you HAVE been busy thinkin. Sure took long enough!..... :o

So what do you men do when the friend steals the bicycle after you shared it? Go get a new one, you say? Well lets say it was the best bicycle on the block. What then? Hmmmmmm? ;)

LMAO, those were good indeed. :funny: :funny: :funny:

Wait till Pascale gets a hold of you!... She is full of spitfire!.....

Julz :)

[Ryan]

I have been reading this thread for days now, I've gotten a lot of good laughs. Unlike most of the folks participating, I can safely say that I am neutral. Yeah, you women really can be hard to deal with sometimes, but we men are too. Trust me :)

I am unattached, so I can post stuff without taking any heat from a spouse or significant other. However, I'm sure Julz will give me a hard time...

So, to be nice, I'll let the ladies go first... here's some comeback lines for you :)


Comeback Lines For Women

Man: "Haven't we met before?"
Woman: "Perhaps. I'm the receptionist at the VD Clinic."

Man: "Haven't I seen you someplace before?"
Woman: "Yeah, that's why I don't go there anymore."

Man: "Is this seat empty?"
Woman: "Yes, and this one will be too if you sit down."

Man: "Your place or mine?"
Woman: "Both. You go to yours and I'll go to mine."

Man: "So what do you do for a living?"
Woman: "I'm a female impersonator."

Man: "Hey, baby, what's your sign?"
Woman: "Do Not Enter"

Man: "Hey, come on, we're both here at this bar for the same reason."
Woman: "Yeah! Let's pick up some chicks!"

Man: "I know how to please a woman."
Woman: "Then please leave me alone."

Man: "If I could see you naked, I'd die happy.”
Woman: "Yeah, but if I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing."

Man: "Your body is like a temple."
Woman: "Sorry, there are no services today."

Man: "How do you like your eggs in the morning?"
Woman: "Unfertilized."

Man: "I would go to the end of the world for you."
Woman: "Yes, but would you stay there?"

[Ryan]

And since us guys don't like anything to be too long, wordy, or complicated, here's a to-the-point woman joke...

Q: How can you tell if your wife is dead?

A: The sex is the same but the dishes pile up.

;D

LOL Ryan love them....

I just knew we would draw you out of lurking on this thread. Heck it wasn't even mine to begin with. Sorry George... :P

[nalah]

Ryan..
good to see a man MAN enough to take a little heat. :thumbsup:

as for the rest of you.........
1. where do you find a man that is truly commited?
In a mental hospital :crazy:

2.men are like computers
a smart woman should always have a back-up :computer:

3. men are like kids.
they're fine as long as they're someone else's :wave:

[Discusgeo]

Well I been reading this for the last 2 weeks and this little bit of Humor has gone a long way. I think everyone has done a great job expressing themselfs. And Jim and the bicycle theroy is funny. Julz and Pascale have had some great comebacks also. Good job everyone with your sence of humor.
George

[Ryan]

One day, after a near eternity in the Garden of Eden, Adam calls out to God, "Lord, I have a problem."

"What's the problem, Adam?" God replies.

"Lord, I know you created me and have provided for me and surrounded me with this beautiful garden and all of these wonderful animals, but I'm just not happy."

"Why is that, Adam?" comes the reply from the heavens.

"Lord, I know you created this place for me, with all this lovely food and all of the beautiful animals, but I am lonely."

"Well Adam, in that case I have the perfect solution. I shall create a 'woman' for you."

"What's a 'woman,' Lord?"

"This 'woman' will be the most intelligent, sensitive, caring, and beautiful creature I have ever created. She will be so intelligent that she can figure out what you want before you want it. She will be so sensitive and caring that she will know your every mood and how to make you happy. Her beauty will rival that of the heavens and earth. She will unquestioningly care for your every need and desire. She will be the perfect companion for you" replies the heavenly voice.

"Sounds great."

"She will be, but this is going to cost you, Adam."

"How much will this 'woman' cost me Lord?" Adam replies.

"She'll cost you a leg, an arm, an eye, an ear, and a testicle."

Adam ponders this for some time, with a look of deep thought and concern on his face. Finally Adam asks God, "Uh, what can I get for a rib?"

[nalah]

OK Ryan...now you're pushing it.

LOLhttp://smilies.sofrayt.com/%5E/h0/jump.gif
but it is funny.

[jim_shedden]

;D

jim

rotf http://smilies.sofrayt.com/%5E/c0/rofl.gif

[Don_Lee]

LOL

;D ;D ;D :bounce: :bounce2: :thumbsup: :thumbsup:

Don ;D

[Smokey]

Yup !

LOL
Very good indeed.

:D Miles

[DiscusKing]

I bumped into this thread and laffed for a half hour. It made me think of this joke I saw that I am sure you could all relate to... for both sexes...
Enjoy

How To Shower Like a Woman:

1. Take off clothing a place it in sectioned laundry hamper
according to lights and darks.
2. Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown. If you see your husband along the way, cover up any exposed flesh and rush to the bathroom.
3. Look at your womanly physique in the mirror and stick out your gut so that you can complain and whine even more about how you're getting fat.
4. Get in the shower. Look for facecloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah, wide loofah and pumice stone.
5. Wash your hair once with Cucumber and Lamprey shampoo with 83 added vitamins.
6. Wash your hair again with cucumber and Lamprey shampoo with 83 added vitamins.
7. Condition your hair with Cucumber and Lamprey conditioner enhanced with natural crocus oil. Leave on hair for fifteen minutes.
8. Wash you face with crushed apricot facial scrub for ten minutes until red raw.
9. Wash entire rest of body with Ginger Nut and Jaffa cake body
>>wash.
10. Rinse conditioner off hair (this takes at least fifteen minutes as you must make sure that it has all come off).
11. Shave armpits and legs. Consider shaving bikini area but decide to get it waxed instead.
12. Scream loudly when you husband flushes the toilet and you lose the water pressure.
13. Turn off shower.
14. Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower. Spray mold spots with Tilex.
15. Get out of shower. Dry with towel the size of a small African Country. Wrap hair in super absorbent second towel.
16. Check entire body for the remotest sign of a zit. Attack with nails or tweezers if found.
17. Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head.
18. If you see your husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas and then rush to bedroom to spend an hour and a half getting dressed.

How to Shower Like a Man:

1. Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a pile.
2. Walk naked to the bathroom. If you see your wife along the way, shake wiener at her making the "woo" sound.
3. Look at you manly physique in the mirror and suck in your gut to see if you have pecs (no). Admire the size of your wiener in the mirror.
4. Get in the shower.
5. Don't bother to look for a washcloth (you don't use one).
6. Wash your face.
7. Wash you armpits.
8. Crack up at how loud your fart sounds in the shower.
9. Wash your privates and surrounding area.
10. Wash you butt, leaving hair on the soap bar.
11. Shampoo you hair (do not use conditioner).
12. Make a shampoo Mohawk.
13. Pull back shower curtain and look at yourself in the mirror.
14. Pee (in the shower).
15. Rinse off and get out of the shower. Fail to notice water on the floor because you left the curtain hanging out of the tub the whole time.
16. Partially dry off.
17. Look at yourself in the mirror, flex muscles. Admire wiener size again.
18. Leave shower curtain open and wet bath mat on the floor.
19. Leave bathroom fan and light on.
20. Return to the bedroom with towel around you waist. If you pass your wife, pull off the towel, grab your wiener and go "Yeah Baby" and thrust your pelvis at her.
21. Throw wet towel on the bed. Take 2 minutes to get dressed.
"Consistency is the last resort of the unimaginative."
-Oscar Wilde

[jim_shedden]

Women Drivers!!!

Driving to the office this morning on the Interstate, I looked over to my left and there was a woman in a brand new Mustang doing 65 miles per hour with her face up next to her rear view mirror PUTTING ON HER EYELINER!!!
I looked away for a couple seconds and when I looked back she was halfway over in my lane, still working on that makeup!!! Being that I am a MAN, it scared me so bad she caused me to drop my electric shaver, which knocked the donut out of my other hand.
In all the confusion of trying to straighten out the car using my knees against the steering wheel, it knocked my cell phone away from my ear which fell into the coffee between my legs, splashed and burned Big Jim and the Twins, ruined the damn phone and disconnected a very IMPORTANT call!!

WOMEN DRIVERS!!!

Wow guys! :o

I thought this thread had died. Came back for a visit and I can see it is alive again. Love the additions. Gotta do some diggin I can see.... ;)

[jim_shedden]

I think Brew wrote this :

The Man's Prayer
> >Our Beer
> >Which art in bottles
> >Hallowed be thy spirit
> >They will be drunk
> >At home as it is in the pub
> >Give us each day our daily beverage
> >And forgive us our spillage
> >As we forgive those who spillest against us
> >And lead us not into poofy wine tasting
> >And deliver us from tequila
> >For mine is the bitter
> >The totty and the fishing
> >For ever and ever
> >
> >Barmen.

[jim_shedden]

A young man wanted to get his beautiful blonde wife
> > > something nice for their first wedding anniversary.
> > > So he decides to buy her a cell phone.
> > >
> > > She is all excited, she loves her phone. He shows
> > > her and explains to her all the features on the
> > > phone.
> > >
> > > The next day the blonde goes shopping. Her phone
> > > rings and it's her husband.
> > >
> > > "Hi hun," he says, "how do you like your new phone?"
> > >
> > >
> > > She replies, "I just love it! It's so small and your
> > > voice is clear as a bell but there's one thing I
> > > don't understand though."
> > >
> > > "What's that, baby?" asks the husband.
> > >
> > > "How did you know I was at Walmart?"

Found a new one. ( I think :-\)


Why men are so damn cheerful

Your last name stays put.

The garage is all yours.

Wedding plans take care of themselves.

Chocolate is just another snack.

You can be president.

You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.

Car mechanics tell you the truth.

The world is your urinal.

You never have to drive to another gas station because this one's just too icky.

Same work, more pay.

Wrinkles add character.

Wedding dress - $5,000; Tux rental - $100.

People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.

The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.

New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.

One mood, ALL the damn time.

Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat. (unless you are a Discus Breeder :P)

A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.

You can open all your own jars.

You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.

If someone forgets to invite you to something, he or she can still be your friend.

Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack.

If you are 34 and single, nobody notices.

Everything on your face stays its original color.

Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.

You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut or bolt.

You almost never have strap problems in public.

You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.

The same hair style lasts for years, maybe for decades.

You don't have to shave below your neck.

Your belly usually hides your big hips.

One wallet and one pair of shoes, one color, all seasons.

You can "do" your nails with a pocketknife.

You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.

You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24, in 45 minutes!!

[jim_shedden]

yatter yatter yatter...............but i can't get on simply for more than 5 minutes without getting yelled at. I think I will go talk to my fish...........they understand me..........they are also better conversation........i'd better stop

[Discusgeo]

Well like Julz said I thought this was dead so I refrained from posting any more thoughts. But since it's open and free here's one for you.

The Points Game

For thousands of years, men have tried to understand the rules when
dealing with women. Finally, this merit/demerit guide will help you to
understand just how it works. Remember, in the world of romance, one
single rule applies: Make the woman happy. Do something she likes, and
you get points. Do something she dislikes and points are subtracted. You
don't get any points for doing something she expects. Sorry, that's the
way the game is played.

Here is a guide to the points system:

SIMPLE DUTIES
* You make the bed..... +1
* You make the bed, but forget to add the decorative pillows..... 0
* You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets..... -1
* You leave the toilet seat up..... -5
* You replace the toilet paper roll when it is empty..... 0
* When the toilet paper roll is barren, you resort to Kleenex..... -1
* When the Kleenex runs out you use the next bathroom..... -2

* You go out to buy her extra-light panty liners with wings..... +5
* In the snow ..... +8
* But return with beer..... -5
* And no liners..... -25

* You check out a suspicious noise at night..... 0
* You check out a suspicious noise and it is nothing..... 0
* You check out a suspicious noise and it is something..... +5
* You pummel it with a six iron..... +10
* It's her cat..... -40

AT THE PARTY
* You stay by her side the entire party..... 0
* You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat with a College drinking buddy..... -2
* Named Tiffany..... -4
* Tiffany is a dancer..... -10
* With breast implants..... -18

HER BIRTHDAY
* You remember her birthday..... 0
* You buy a card and flowers..... 0
* You take her out to dinner..... 0
* You take her out to dinner and it's not a sports bar..... +1
* Okay, it is a sports bar..... -2
* And it's all-you-can-eat night..... -3
* It's a sports bar, its all-you-can-eat night, and your face is painted
the colors of your favorite team..... -10

A NIGHT OUT WITH THE BOYS
* Go with a pal..... 0
* The pal is happily married..... +1
* The pal is single..... -7
* He drives a Ferrari..... -10
* With a personalized license plate (GR8NBED)..... -15

A NIGHT OUT WITH HER
* You take her to a movie..... +2
* You take her to a movie she likes..... +4
* You take her to a movie you hate..... +6
* You take her to a movie you like..... -2
* It's called Death Cop III..... -3
* Which features Cyborgs that eat humans..... -9
* You lied and said it was a foreign film about orphans..... -15

YOUR PHYSIQUE
* You develop a noticeable pot belly..... -15
* You develop a noticeable pot belly & exercise to get rid of it..+10
* You develop a noticeable pot belly and resort to loose jeans and baggy
Hawaiian shirts..... -30
* You eat the last rib on the plate..... -50
* You say, "It doesn't matter, you have one too."..... -800

THE BIG QUESTION - She asks, "Does this dress make me look fat?"
* You hesitate in responding..... -10
* You reply, "Where?"..... -35
* You reply, "No, I think it's your ***"..... -100
* Any other response..... -20

COMMUNICATION
* When she wants to talk about a problem: You listen, displaying a
concerned expression..... 0
* You listen, for over 30 minutes..... +5
* You relate to her problem and share a similar experience..... +50
* You're mind wanders to sports and you suddenly hear her saying "well,
what do you think I should do?"..... -100
* You have fallen asleep..... -200

ITS THAT TIME OF THE MONTH
* You talk..... -100
* You don't talk..... -150
* You spend time with her...... -200
* You don't spend time with her..... -500
* You seem to be enjoying yourself..... -1000

GAME OVER !!

http://smilies.sofrayt.com/%5E/c0/rofl.gifhttp://smilies.sofrayt.com/%5E/c0/rofl.gifhttp://smilies.sofrayt.com/%5E/c0/rofl.gifhttp://smilies.sofrayt.com/%5E/c0/rofl.gifhttp://smilies.sofrayt.com/%5E/c0/rofl.gifhttp://smilies.sofrayt.com/%5E/c0/rofl.gifhttp://smilies.sofrayt.com/%5E/c0/rofl.gifhttp://smilies.sofrayt.com/%5E/c0/rofl.gifhttp://smilies.sofrayt.com/%5E/c0/rofl.gifhttp://smilies.sofrayt.com/%5E/c0/rofl.gifhttp://smilies.sofrayt.com/%5E/c0/rofl.gifhttp://smilies.sofrayt.com/%5E/c0/rofl.gifhttp://smilies.sofrayt.com/%5E/c0/rofl.gifhttp://smilies.sofrayt.com/%5E/c0/rofl.gifhttp://smilies.sofrayt.com/%5E/c0/rofl.gifhttp://smilies.sofrayt.com/%5E/c0/rofl.gifhttp://smilies.sofrayt.com/%5E/c0/rofl.gifhttp://smilies.sofrayt.com/%5E/c0/rofl.gifhttp://smilies.sofrayt.com/%5E/c0/rofl.gifhttp://smilies.sofrayt.com/%5E/c0/rofl.gifhttp://smilies.sofrayt.com/%5E/c0/rofl.gifhttp://smilies.sofrayt.com/%5E/c0/rofl.gifhttp://smilies.sofrayt.com/%5E/c0/rofl.gifhttp://smilies.sofrayt.com/%5E/c0/rofl.gifhttp://smilies.sofrayt.com/%5E/c0/rofl.gifhttp://smilies.sofrayt.com/%5E/c0/rofl.gifhttp://smilies.sofrayt.com/%5E/c0/rofl.gifhttp://smilies.sofrayt.com/%5E/c0/rofl.gifhttp://smilies.sofrayt.com/%5E/c0/rofl.gifhttp://smilies.sofrayt.com/%5E/c0/rofl.gifhttp://smilies.sofrayt.com/%5E/c0/rofl.gif
Ya know George I don't think RONFLMAOPIMP is even enough to describe the after effects of that one. I think you have truely won for the male gender, not to mention have had final say!.....

(Julz hits "Post" b4 her heart gives out)

Ryan what did you do with that mop? :P

[DarkDiscus]

We're back to this one? Well at least the guys here finally scored some points!

I think Julz is speechless...

John

Yeah still speechless. Still tryin to recover from that one... :-X

[nalah]

http://smilies.sofrayt.com/%5E/r/bigdance2.gif

I agree...
the award goes to George.

[Ryan]

YOUR PHYSIQUE
* You say, "It doesn't matter, you have one too."..... -800

LOL that was the best one. With a -800, men will be in the hole forever!

* Ryan mops under Julz's chair

[jim_shedden]

My sister sent me this one :

: Mammograms


>
>
>>
>> > Many women are afraid of their first mammogram, but
>> > there's no need to worry. By taking a few minutes each
>> > day for a week preceding the exam, and doing the
>> > following practice exercises, you will be totally
>> > prepared. And you can do this right in your own home!
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> > Exercise 1:
>> >
>> > Open your refrigerator door and insert one breast
>> > between the door and the main box. Have one of your
>> > strongest friends slam the door shut and lean on the
>> > door for good measure. Hold that position for five
>> > seconds (while you hold your breath). Repeat again,
>> > in case the first time wasn't effective enough.
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> > Exercise 2:
>> >
>> > Visit your garage at 3 am when the temperature
>> > of the cement floor is just perfect. Take off
>> > your clothes and lie comfortably on the floor
>> > with one breast wedged under the rear tire
>> > of the car. Ask a friend to slowly back the
>> > car up until your breast is sufficiently
>> > flattened and chilled. Turn over and
>> > repeat for the other breast.
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> > Exercise 3:
>> >
>> > Freeze two metal bookends overnight. Strip to the
>> > waist. Invite a stranger into the room. Press the
>> > bookends against one of your breasts. Smash the
>> > bookends together as hard as you can. Set an
>> > appointment with the stranger to meet
>> > next week and do it again!!
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> > CONGRATULATIONS!
>> > Now you have nothing at all to worry about
>> > when you go for your Mammogram!
>> >
>> >
>> > And just a thought for all you women out there:
>> >
>> > MENtal illness, MENstrual cramps, MENtal breakdown, MENopause.
>> >
>> > Ever notice how all of women's problems start with men?
>> >
>> > And when we have real problems, it's HISterectomy!
>> >
>> >
>> > Send this to all the women you know, and brighten their day!...
>> >
>> >
>> > P.S. Don't forget the "GUY"necologist!
>> >
>>

OK Jim.... Thanks to you I just spit my beer all over the monitor.............not to mention the keyboard..... http://smilies.sofrayt.com/%5E/c0/rofl.gif
That was good... :thumbsup:

And guys just when you think you have it bad go in for a mamogram..... Makes child labor feel like a piece of cake.... :-\