04-12-2003, 10:40 PM
In honor of Saturday nights, heavy drinking, and the generally simian behavior that follows, i give the compacted international beer troubleshooting guide. The canadian version was another 4 pages.
S = Symptom
F = Fault
A = Action
S: Feet cold and wet.
F: Glass being held at wrong angle.
A: Rotate glass so that open end points toward ceiling.
S: Feet warm and wet.
F: Improper bladder control.
A: Stand next to nearest dog, complain about house training.
S: Beer unusually pale and tasteless.
F: Glass empty.
A: Get someone to buy you another beer.
S: Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights.
F: You have fallen over backwards.
A: Have yourself leashed to bar.
S: Mouth contains cigarette butts.
F: You have fallen forward.
A: See above.
S: Beer tasteless, front of your shirt is wet.
F: Mouth not open, or glass applied to wrong part of face.
A: Retire to restroom, practice in mirror.
S: Floor Blurred
F: You are looking through the bottom of an empty glass.
A: Get someone to buy you another beer.
S: Floor moving.
F: You are being carried out.
A: Find out if you are being taken to another bar.
S: Room seems unusually dark.
F: Bar has closed.
A: Confirm home address with bartender.
S: Taxi suddenly takes on colorful aspect and textures.
F: Beer consumption has exceeded personal limitations.
A: Cover mouth, open door, uncover mouth.
S: Everyone looks up to you and smiles.
F: You are dancing on the table.
A: Fall on somebody cushy-looking.
S: Beer is crystal-clear.
F: Its water. Someone is trying to sober you up.
A: Punch them.
S: Hands hurt, nose hurts, mind unusually clear.
F: You have been in a fight.
A: Apologize to everyone you see, just in case it was them.
S: Don't recognize anyone, don't recognize the room your in.
F: You've wandered into the wrong party.
A: Find out if they have free beer.
S: Your singing sounds distorted.
F: The beer is too weak.
A: Have more beer until voice improves.
S: Don't remember the words to the song.
F: Beer is just right.
A: Play air guitar.
I bid you all goodnight, and sweet dreams ;D
S = Symptom
F = Fault
A = Action
S: Feet cold and wet.
F: Glass being held at wrong angle.
A: Rotate glass so that open end points toward ceiling.
S: Feet warm and wet.
F: Improper bladder control.
A: Stand next to nearest dog, complain about house training.
S: Beer unusually pale and tasteless.
F: Glass empty.
A: Get someone to buy you another beer.
S: Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights.
F: You have fallen over backwards.
A: Have yourself leashed to bar.
S: Mouth contains cigarette butts.
F: You have fallen forward.
A: See above.
S: Beer tasteless, front of your shirt is wet.
F: Mouth not open, or glass applied to wrong part of face.
A: Retire to restroom, practice in mirror.
S: Floor Blurred
F: You are looking through the bottom of an empty glass.
A: Get someone to buy you another beer.
S: Floor moving.
F: You are being carried out.
A: Find out if you are being taken to another bar.
S: Room seems unusually dark.
F: Bar has closed.
A: Confirm home address with bartender.
S: Taxi suddenly takes on colorful aspect and textures.
F: Beer consumption has exceeded personal limitations.
A: Cover mouth, open door, uncover mouth.
S: Everyone looks up to you and smiles.
F: You are dancing on the table.
A: Fall on somebody cushy-looking.
S: Beer is crystal-clear.
F: Its water. Someone is trying to sober you up.
A: Punch them.
S: Hands hurt, nose hurts, mind unusually clear.
F: You have been in a fight.
A: Apologize to everyone you see, just in case it was them.
S: Don't recognize anyone, don't recognize the room your in.
F: You've wandered into the wrong party.
A: Find out if they have free beer.
S: Your singing sounds distorted.
F: The beer is too weak.
A: Have more beer until voice improves.
S: Don't remember the words to the song.
F: Beer is just right.
A: Play air guitar.
I bid you all goodnight, and sweet dreams ;D