For The Women of Simply

[paul_burney]

We always hear "the rules" from the female side. Now here are the rules from the male side. Finally!! So these are OUR rules!

1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. You can handle it. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

1. Sunday = sports. It's like the full moon. Let it be.

1. Crying is blackmail.

1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one. Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!

1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.

1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.

1. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.

1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.

1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

1. Christopher Columbus did not need directions, and neither do we.

1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.

1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.

1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball, the shotgun formation, or monster trucks.

1. You have enough clothes.

1. You have too many shoes.

1. I am in shape. ROUND is a shape.

1. Thank you for reading this; Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight, but did you know men really don't mind that, it's like camping. And yea...these are all numbered "1" ON PURPOSE!

[Rod]

Yeah, like the ladies would accept this!!!...lol. I showed my wife and for some reason she didn't laugh.....maybe it was me pointing out particular clauses....hmmmmmmmmmm.

Well we can but dream!!! ;D

[bristoldiscus]

Just to add:
Your feet are smaller than mens so you can get closer to the kitchen appliances.
You marry in white to match the said appliances.
:-* :-* :-*

[paul_burney]

Ya mine didnt laugh either Rod i wonder why ::) ::) ::) ::)

and the smaller feet didnt buy that either :o :o :o
Paul

[April]

All sounds fine to me....guess im abnormal. or a little off.
i only have one pair of shoes ive worn for 6 years..almost time to replace them. fish or shoes.... hmmm.
seem like straight forward logical facts.

[ReeferKimberly]

ha ha i laughed. crying is blackmail....and WE KNOW IT. why do you think we do it? ;D
kimberly :-*

[Smokey]

*WOMAN'S ENGLISH*

"Yes" = No.

"No" = Yes.

"Maybe" = No.

"Its your decision" = The correct decision should be
obvious by now.

"Do what you want" = You'll pay for this later.

"We need to talk" = I need to *****.

"Sure....... ... go ahead" = I don't want you to.

"I'm not upset" = Of course I'm upset, you retard!

"How much do you love me?" = I did something today
your not going to really like me for.

"Is my butt fat?" = Tell me I'm beautiful.

"You have to learn to communicate" = just agree with
me stupid.

"Are you listening to me?" = [too late, you're dead]

[Smokey]

*MEN'S ENGLISH*

"I'm hungry" = I'm hungry.

"I'm sleepy" = I'm sleepy.

"I'm tired" = I'm tired.

"Do you want to go to a movie?" = I'd eventually like
to have sex with you.

"Can I take you out to dinner?" = I'd eventually like
to have sex with you.

"Can I call you sometime?" = I'd eventually like to
have sex with you.

"May I have this dance?" = I'd eventually like to have
sex with you.

"Nice dress!" = Nice cleavage!

"What's wrong?" = What meaningless self-inflicted
psychological trauma are you going through now?

"Whats wrong?" = I guess that sex tonight is out of
the question.

"I'm Bored" = Do you want to have sex?

"I love you" = Lets have sex now.

"I love you too" = Okay, I said it... we'd better have
sex now!

"Lets talk" = I am trying to impress you by showing
that I am a deep person and maybe then you'll like to
have sex with me.

"Will you marry me?" = I want to make it illegal for
you to have sex with other guys.

[April]

LOL Smokey. ok you have the mens part all worked out im sure..
but the ladies is completely wrong.
maybe means yes. just ask my kids.....they say can i have some money..or get something? i say maybe. then they smile from ear to ear. as maybe means yes. no doubt in their minds. they know its me caving in.
not possible to say no.
why else has the government spent millions on campaigns to teach women to say no. cant be done....will take 10 years to teach kids or women to say no. right?
" just say no" eitehr that..or men dont know what the word no means? so they gotta teach us to sound like we mean it.
all makes perfect sense to me. ::)
thats why we say things like its your decision.., do what you want..go ahead...cause we cant say no.

[Smokey]

Hahahahahahaha; yah. but ya shure remind us if we happen to be wrong!!!!!!!! EVEN IF WERE RIGHT .......

[BlueTurquoise]

Girls' English

Yes = No

No = Yes

May-b = No

"It's your decision" = The correct decision should be obvious by now!

" Do what u want" = You'll pay 4 this later!

We need to talk" = I need to *****.

"Sure......Go ahead" = I don't want you too.

" I'm not upset" = Of course I'm upset, u stupid moron!

" How much do u love me?" = I did something today your not goin' like me 4.

"Is my butt fat?" = Tell me i'm beautiful.

" You have to learn to communicate!" = Just agree with me.

" Are you listening to me?" = Too late, you're dead!


I had to put these in!

[Smokey]

Thanks Chong. That is so TRUE !!
However; we must also tell the other side of the story - MEN'S Understanding/dealing with a situation!!!

The Navigator
The pilot was sitting in his seat and pulled out a .38 revolver.

He placed it on top of the instrument panel, and then asked the navigator, "Do you know what I use this for?"

The navigator replied timidly, "No, what's it for?"

The pilot responded, "I use this on navigators who get me lost!"

The navigator proceeded to pull out a .45 and place it on his chart table.

The pilot asked, "What's that for?"

"To be honest sir," the navigator replied, "I'll know we're lost before you will."

One more - trus story -
A company, feeling it was time for a shake-up, hires a new CEO. This new boss is determined to rid the company of all slackers.

On a tour of the facilities, the CEO notices a guy leaning on a wall. The room is full of workers and he thinks this is his chance to show everyone he means business!

The CEO, walks up the guy and asks, "And how much money do you make a week?"

Undaunted, the young fellow looks at him and replies, "I make $200.00 a week. Why?"

The CEO then hands the guy $200 in cash and screams, "Here's a week's pay. Now GET OUT and don't come back!"

Feeling pretty good about his first cleansing of a slacker, the CEO looks around the room and asks, "Does anyone want to tell me what that slacker was doing here?"

With a sheepish grin, one of the other workers mutters, "Delivering pizza."

Smokey

[nalah]

they say that too much sex makes you go blind...

well now we know what Chong's been up to these days.LOL

[Smokey]

Four guys who worked together always golfed as a group at 7:00 a.m. on Sunday. Unfortunately, one of them got transferred out of town and they were talking about trying to fill out the foursome.

A woman standing near the tee said, "Hey, I like to golf, can I join the group?" They were hesitant, but said she could come once to try it and they could see what they thought.

They all agreed and she said, "Good, I'll be there at 6:30 or 6:45." She showed up right at 6:30, and wound up setting a course record with a 7-under par round. The guys went nuts and everyone in the clubhouse congratulated her.

Meanwhile, she was fun and pleasant the entire round. The guys happily invited her back the next week and she said, "Sure, I'll be here at 6:30 or 6:45."

Again, she showed up at 6:30 Sunday morning. Only this time, she played left-handed, and matched her 7-under par score of the previous week. By now the guys were totally amazed, and they asked her to join the group for keeps. They had a beer after their round, and one of the guys asked her, "How do you decide if you're going to golf right-handed or left-handed?"

She said, "That's easy. Before I leave for the golf course, I pull the covers off my husband, who sleeps in the nude.
If his member is pointing to the right, I golf right-handed; if it's pointed to the left, golf left-handed."

One of the guys asked, "What if it's pointed straight up?"

She said, "Then I'll be here at 6:45."


Smokey

[Tonyintx]

Funny as hell......hahaha