Beer Troubleshooting

In honor of Saturday nights, heavy drinking, and the generally simian behavior that follows, i give the compacted international beer troubleshooting guide. The canadian version was another 4 pages.

S = Symptom
F = Fault
A = Action

S: Feet cold and wet.
F: Glass being held at wrong angle.
A: Rotate glass so that open end points toward ceiling.

S: Feet warm and wet.
F: Improper bladder control.
A: Stand next to nearest dog, complain about house training.

S: Beer unusually pale and tasteless.
F: Glass empty.
A: Get someone to buy you another beer.

S: Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights.
F: You have fallen over backwards.
A: Have yourself leashed to bar.

S: Mouth contains cigarette butts.
F: You have fallen forward.
A: See above.

S: Beer tasteless, front of your shirt is wet.
F: Mouth not open, or glass applied to wrong part of face.
A: Retire to restroom, practice in mirror.

S: Floor Blurred
F: You are looking through the bottom of an empty glass.
A: Get someone to buy you another beer.

S: Floor moving.
F: You are being carried out.
A: Find out if you are being taken to another bar.

S: Room seems unusually dark.
F: Bar has closed.
A: Confirm home address with bartender.

S: Taxi suddenly takes on colorful aspect and textures.
F: Beer consumption has exceeded personal limitations.
A: Cover mouth, open door, uncover mouth.

S: Everyone looks up to you and smiles.
F: You are dancing on the table.
A: Fall on somebody cushy-looking.

S: Beer is crystal-clear.
F: Its water. Someone is trying to sober you up.
A: Punch them.

S: Hands hurt, nose hurts, mind unusually clear.
F: You have been in a fight.
A: Apologize to everyone you see, just in case it was them.

S: Don't recognize anyone, don't recognize the room your in.
F: You've wandered into the wrong party.
A: Find out if they have free beer.

S: Your singing sounds distorted.
F: The beer is too weak.
A: Have more beer until voice improves.

S: Don't remember the words to the song.
F: Beer is just right.
A: Play air guitar.

I bid you all goodnight, and sweet dreams ;D

Shame on me.....except for the "feet warm and wet" Im pretty much

GUILTY AS CHARGED! ;D ;D

oh...Im mean... shame...shame on me :-[

A man who reeked of alcohol flopped on a subway seat next to a priest. The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half empty bottle of rum was sticking out of his ripped jacket pocket.

He opened his newspaper and started reading. After a few minutes, the disheveled guy turned to the priest and asked "Say, Father, do you know what causes arthritis?"

The priest, disgusted by the man's appearance and behavior snapped "It's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol, and a contempt for your fellow man!"

"Well, I'll be," the man muttered and returned to his newspaper.

The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized,
"I'm sorry to have come on so strong - I didn't mean it. How long have you been suffering from arthritis?"

"I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does."

After a tourist had been served in the Las Vegas cocktail lounge, he beckoned the waitress back and said, "Miss, would y'all give me a piece of ***?"

"Lord, that's the most direct proposition I've ever had!" gasped the girl. Then she smiled and added, "Sure, why not? It's pretty slow here right now, so let's go!"

When the pair returned half an hour later, the man sat down at the same table and the waitress asked, "Will there be anything else?"

"Yes," replied the tourist. "Where ah come from in Alabama, we lack our bourbon 'n watuh cold, so ah still need a piece uh *** for mah drink."

LMAO these are fantastic!

Dont mess with the italians
An Old Italian woman is riding in an elevator in a very lavish New York City Building, when two young and beautiful women get into the elevator, smelling
of expensive perfume. The little old Italian woman says, "my, what nice aromas"!

One turns to the old Italian woman and says ARROGANTLY, "Romance" by Ralph Loren, $150 an ounce!"

The other young and beautiful woman also very ARROGANTLY turns to the old woman saying, "Channel No. 5, $200 an ounce!"

The little Italian woman is feeling very insulted from the remarks made to her. About 3 floors later, the old Italian woman has reached her destination and is about to get off the elevator. Before she leaves, she looks both beautiful women in the eye, then bends over and farts and says..."Broccoli, 49 cents a pound."


Hahahahaha

Damn, i think that was the only clean one i had...

ill dig and see if i can find anything G rated...this is gonna take awhile

Barmen